Taking The Shame Out Of Christian Sex

Taking The Shame Out Of Christian Sex

When I work with couples who have been raised in the Church, immersed in Christian culture, one common thread runs through our conversations as we talk about sex. That thread is “shame.”

The message that sex is inherently bad runs deep and is so ingrained that many couples cannot share in intimacy without feeling embarrassed and dirty.

Some of them learned this through implicit messages spoken from their church leaders. Others learned this message of shame through the silence of their parents and churches – a refusal to discuss sexuality in any way.

The worst part of this sex-shaming is that these couples cannot experience freedom to enjoy their God-created sexuality within the context of marriage without the negative emotions that inevitably follow.

Instead of healthy intimacy that unites and creates oneness and a deep spiritual connection, sex becomes a necessary evil and a wedge that creates distance and resentment.

These couples come in with sexual aversion, lack of sexual desire and arousal, and problems with sexual pain as a result of the negative programming in their memories.

God made sex to be enjoyed! He made each of us as sexual beings – that doesn’t start when we get married.

If faith is a part of your marriage, engage the Truth of your beliefs as you build your sexual ethic together. Talk about sex and begin to shine some light into those dark corners where shame hides. Be advocates for one another’s sexual healing journeys – as a spouse you hold the unique position to create a safe space for vulnerability.

If you are feeling stuck and need help to navigate the process, make an appointment and I’ll walk alongside you both through it.

Did you grow up hearing negative messages (or even silence) about sex and healthy sexuality? Has it affected your sex life as an adult? How? Share your thoughts in the comment section below.

This article was originally published on Houston Relationship Therapy's blog here.

4 Easy Steps To A Romantic Night At Home

4 Easy Steps To A Romantic Night At Home

Whether you’re your babysitter bailed, you just don’t feel like getting out, or you're trying to save money, there are many ways to make an at-home date night a sweet way to connect with your partner.

Don’t forget to turn off your phones, computers, and other distractions – nothing kills the mood like a text message from work in the middle of a date.

1. Cook Dinner Together

Open a bottle of wine, put on your chef aprons, and get to work whipping up a meal for you to share. There are plenty of food blogs & websites like Smitten KitchenBon Appetit, and Food52 where you can find recipes & ingredient lists.

Dim the lights, light some candles, throw on your best music mix (check Spotify or Songza for free themed playlists), and you’ve got the evening made.

2. Turn up the heat with game night

The couple that plays together, stays together!

Or as John Gottman puts it, “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship, mutual respect, and enjoyment of each other’s company.”

Games like Uno, Gin, Blackjack, Dominoes, and Scrabble are great games for two people and allow for conversation, laughter, and a little friendly competition.

3. Get Talking

One great way to create emotional connection is through deep conversation. Table Topics is a great resource, or you can come up with your own list.

Try some of these questions:

  • What is your favorite memory we’ve shared together?
  • Where do you see us in the next five years? Ten?
  • What would you do with your life if you had unlimited funds?
  • What first attracted you to me?
  • What do you love most about our relationship?
  • What could I do to improve our relationship?

4. Get Close

Try out your skills as a masseuse. Don’t have skills? Take a look here for tips.

Be sure to clean up your room a little first – get those dirty socks and wet towels off the bed, give pets the boot, and make your room a serene space.

Not into massage/the baby won’t sleep/someone’s sick?

Put on some jammies and spoon on the sofa while watching your favorite show. No judgment here – we’ve all been there.

More than anything, make it your goal to enjoy your time together.

This article was originally published on Houston Relationship Therapy's blog here.